We have been having a really hard time lately. In October I lost my best friend and another friend in an automobile accident. Then my husband got a speeding ticket, then a little girl who a friend of my daughter's and whom was only 11 years old who had cancer died. Now my grandmother is in the hospital. Everyone asks me how my faith stays so strong in the midst of all this tragedy. It isn't easy for most people to believe in something they cannot see, hear or touch. For me, it is just a part of who I am. If I lost my faith, I would be lost. I may sound like a nut most of the time to my children and to others but to me my relationship with God is the only thing that is getting me through this difficult time. Sure, I am angry with Him for taking these amazing people but I know they are in a much better place and it is a place that I strive to be myself one day. I know he has a plan for us, I do not understand nor do I like this plan of living here without my friends but none the less He has a plan.
I was talking to someone on the phone the other day, to whom I had to tell them about the passing of our mutual friend and try to console him. I told him that the only good that has come from this is that I have met many wonderful people and although I met them under the sad circumstances, I am thankful I have met them. We are all helping one another work through our grief and helping them gives me a since of purpose when everything seems so dark. Helping them is helping me heal. It takes my mind of how much I am hurting and helps me stay busy. Staying busy is the key to forgetting, if only for a second the pain that I feel in my heart because there is a huge part of my heart that is missing. There is a place in my heart that only my best friend can fill and her being gone, well it feels like my heart has been ripped from my chest.
I cannot even begin to fathom what her mother, daughter and family must be feeling. Her mother is living every mother's worst nightmare and my heart breaks for and for them. It has been a month since they passed away and yet every morning when I open my eyes to discover that it wasn't all a bad dream makes it feel like it happened just yesterday. I relive it every morning. I find myself checking my phone for calls or messages from her. I check facebook hoping to see a post from her and there is nothing. I have no words at that particular time. All I can do is cry. I know one day the tears will come less and less. I know one day it will be possible to talk about her and not cry. To think about her and the times we shared and smile and laugh and not shed a tear. For now, I cry. I cry when I don't realize I am crying. My body weeps for my friends and for their friends and family.
There is a poem that I posted on her facebook wall that reads:
Missing you Always
You never said I'm leaving,
You never said goodbye.
You were gone before we knew it
and God only knows why.
A million times I needed you,
a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
then you would have never died.
In life I loved you dearly,
in death I love your still.
In my heart I hold a place
that only you can fill.
It broke my heart to lose you,
but you didn't go alone.
As a part of me went with you
when God took you home.
when God took you home.
That pretty much sums up how I feel. Now with all the extra stuff that keeps trying to knock me down I just have to be strong and get back up. My momma and I are leaving next month on a cruise together. We are celebrating that she is in remission after her long hard battle with leukemia. We are thanking God for her health and I am getting away fro a bit after a really long hard year. We will not have our phones and we are just going to unplug from the world and I think it will be nice to bond with my mom and take her to see places she has never seen. We are going to be thankful but I know that at every single turn I make, I am going think of Jade. Every time I do a lot of things I am going to think about her. Camping, playing the wii, fishing, floating the river, skydiving, etc. There are so many wonderful memories I shared with her. Certain places we went together will forever haunt me. Nothing has been the same or will ever be the same but I know she would want me to push forward and make new memories and enjoy my time here on this earth with everyone I love.
That and my faith gets me through the day. Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. I have to try to remain positive and just be thankful for everything and every moment I have because I know it could all be gone in the blink of an eye. This holiday season as I miss my friends, I will also cherish my friends, new and old and my family. I will hug everyone a little tighter, say I love you a little more, and try not to take a single moment for granted. This is something I will strive to do not only this holiday season but every day of my life. I am thankful the Lord brought Jade into my life, I am thankful for every single moment I had with her even if it was a brief moment I am grateful. My daughter asked me that if I had known how much everything would hurt and that we would lose her would I have changed my mind and not be friends with her. My response to her was, "I would not trade a single moment I spent with her." I wouldn't have either. However, I would have called more, I would have held her longer and tighter, I would have never taken a single moment for granted with her had I known that she would be taken from us. All this hurt I feel inside doesn't even compare to the love I feel and felt just from having her in my life. It is a feeling and friendship that I wouldn't trade for anything in this world.
I am still asking for prayers for their families and friends. I ask that you all pray for strength and comfort during this time. There is also a memorial fund for Jade's daughter, if you can spare anything at all I know it would me the world to this little girl and her family. It would mean the world to me as well. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. Thank you for the kind words you have spoken to me and for being here for me during this time. It means more than you could possibly know. God bless you and your families.
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