I lost my best friend Jade and another friend Brandie on 10/20/13 and I don't know why everyone says "You will get over this in time." It seems to me that no amount of time that has passed has helped me "get over" any of it. I do not think that I will ever "get over" it but I do think that I am getting through it. These two beautiful ladies were taken so suddenly and the shock and emptiness that we all feel has literally left us all here with broken hearts. We are all wondering why this happened and we all have our theories but none of them bring our friends back to us. For most of you life has returned to "normal" but for some of us, we are stuck in limbo and we are just trying to find the strength each day to pretend that things are normal. Some of us cry behind locked doors, get angry, sleep less or sleep more than usual, and have trouble with every day things like making phone calls or just talking to people in general.
I know I still pick up my phone to call my best friend or to text her because for a brief moment I forget that she is gone. Then I wonder why she isn't answering her phone and it hits me all over again. For me, she was a part of my "normal" routine. Calling, texting, and facebooking her is something I did on a regular basis and the fact that she isn't here to answer back hurts more than I ever thought possible. I am a HUGE believer in God, but right now I am angry with God. I just do not understand why he took both my friends at such a young age who both left behind daughters who need them and so many of us are left here hurting. Going to places that I went with them, like Randy's Ice House is hard. Every time the door opens I look up and expect to see their smiling faces walk through the door.
I know the day I got the call, I was angry that it was such a beautiful day outside. It just didn't seem right and fair that the whole world didn't just stop right then and there. The fact that birds were singing and the sun was shining was sickening to me. You know when you loose someone you love you half expect it to be like it is in the movies, dark and then it rains for days. You expect heaven just to open up and all the angels to cry but on this day it was sunny and the birds were singing and I was the one crying as well as everyone else who loved them and were so shaken with the news that is was just too much to bear. There were no clouds in the sky, it was blue and it was sunny but there was a slight chill and it too seemed out of place. Nothing was right, nothing was the same and nothing would ever be the same as it was before ever again.
I felt like I was in a horrible nightmare and the sky was mocking me. It was mocking all of us who were mourning the loss of these two beautiful women who were taken so suddenly from all of us. I have been a sea of emotions ever since. I have not even begun to "get over" it. I know I never will. All I can do is be there for the others who are lost and hurting and who miss them. All I can do is plan events and try to do anything that will help take my mind off of the fact that they are gone. I try to stay as busy as possible, but it is moments like right now, when my husband is at work and my daughter is at school and the whole world is busy that I am here alone and it hits me like a ton of bricks. I know there are 10,000 things that I could be and should be doing right now, but at this particular moment in time all I can do is write. I have to get my feelings out sometimes because trying to be strong for everyone else is exhausting and my feelings keep pouring out no matter how much I want to keep them inside.
Sure, I have lost people before, but I have not lost many that I was really close to. Maybe I am not as strong as I would like to think that I am or maybe being able to admit that I am lost and a mess makes me even stronger because I am not pretending to be okay and pretending like I have it all together. To be honest, there are days I do not have a clue as to what is going on around me. I focus on my daughters, my husband and a few others that need me or that I need and I am in this little bubble that seems to help get me through. The days that are the hardest are when the world bursts my little bubble and all this information and emotion seems to attack me from all angles. I know one day it may hurt less and one day I may be able to make it through a whole day without crying but for now, the tears keep falling and the hurt seems to get stronger. We all need answers, and unfortunately we may never get them. We may all just have to accept that they are gone and learn to live with the emptiness we feel because that place we have in our hearts for them is now void. Sure, we remember them, we remember the times we shared with them, we remember their laugh and their voice and the certain things that they did that made them unique. However, that place we have in our hearts yearns for more, it aches at the fact that we will never make a new memory with them. We will never hear their voice, or hold them or see their smiling faces again. I will never see my friend fall in love and get married, something she wanted so much and will never experience.
I will never have another silly crazy moment where we laugh so hard we cry with either one of them again. Sure the memories I have will always be forever etched in my heart and mind, but they hurt because I am greedy... I want more. I want more time with them and I know I am not the only one who feels this way. I just may be the only one writing it down at this particular moment. I have been told that writing helps, so I am going to try this whole blogging thing. Maybe I can help others heal as I heal. Who knows. If I offend anyone, I apologize profusely, it is not my intentions to upset anyone. I am just trying to make it though the day and try to understand why these things happen to amazing people. I know that my life will never be the same without my friends here. I know that I must go on and live my life because that is what they would have wanted, but I am angry that I have to do it without them. Loss is never easy, it always hurts whether is it is expected or unexpected. Losing someone so close to you just sucks. There is no other way to put that, it just sucks. It hurts and it changes you.
So, I am going to write about what I am going through and how I am getting through this to see if this helps me at all. There really isn't anything anyone can say to make it better. I know people try but it doesn't help. I appreciate the efforts and I am thankful that they care. I am very thankful for my husband holding me when I cry but I am also thankful he gives me the space I need to grieve. I do not know how long the healing process takes and I am not sure that I will ever be "healed" but I know I am trying. That is all I can do.
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