So last night one of Jade's friends who lives out of state contacted me. It would seem that after texting and calling over the last few weeks he decided to get on Facebook to message her. Once there he was in shock by what he saw. He saw all of our goodbye messages to her and had to know what happened. He had no idea that she had passed and like so many of us was devastated by the news. I stayed on the phone with him for 2 hours talking to him about our memories of our dear friend. I felt so heartbroken for the guy because he had to learn about their passing on facebook and so late after the fact. It brought back all the feelings I had when I first learned the news. I literally felt like there was no air and all I could do was scream and cry. No one knew why I was hurting so much, it took me a while to compose myself to tell my family what had happened. My husband thought something had happened to one of our children but through all the sobbing he heard me say "Jade" and realized that something horrific had happened to the woman I considered my sister.
He held me and choked back the tears. He made calls to my mother to tell her I needed her. Yes, at 33 years old I still need my momma. I am not ashamed of it. I told our daughter that her "Auntie Jade was in an accident and is now in Heaven." and proceeded to cry a bit with her and my husband and my mother. I then decided I needed to cook dinner even though my mom was there offering to do it for me, I just had to be the one to cook my daughter's favorite meal. So, my mom left me too it. I cried the entire time and even when I felt like I couldn't cry any longer the tears continued to fall. I woke up crying, my husband said I cried in my sleep too. I cried for days, I still cry at least once a day. I am not sad that she is in heaven, I am just sad that she isn't here with us anymore. I know that may sound odd but I just want more time. More time to tell her how awesome she was. More time to hug her, spend with her and enjoy life making wonderful memories together. I wanted to see her get married and have more children.
To witness the proud smile she would have on her face when her daughter graduated high school. To hear her panic over Alyssa's first date and laugh at the speech she would give the guy that took her baby girl out for the first time. To see the tears of joy fall when Alyssa got married and had babies of her own. There are so many firsts that she will never be here for and I will never have the joy of witnessing. So much lost in the blink of an eye and the rest of us who are not in Heaven are left here on Earth in hell. I never thought I could be close to another woman before like this. I have always got along better with men because women are jealous and competitive most of the time and full of drama. There are few women that I trust. She was someone I trusted with my husband, my children and my life. You don't get too many of those in your life. At least I haven't.
So, here I was listening to this guy cry on the phone and I just wanted to hug him and tell him it would be alright and make the hurt stop. He told me about how he had planned to come here after Christmas to see her and how she had planned on taking him skydiving for the first time. He then told me he planned on attending the Jump for Jade event and jump for the first time. Since he couldn't jump with her he was now going to jump in honor of her. When he mentioned the word Christmas, it got me to thinking about Thanksgiving and how all the holidays would never be the same and my heart started to break all over again for her family and for mine. I made a vow to my friend, I will always be there for her daughter and her family. I will love them as my own and will be there for whatever they may need. Her friends were my friends and her family was now my family too. I know that she would have done the same for me.
My one wish or hope is that I can honor her in death as much if not more than I did in life. I hope she realized how much we loved her. How being her friend was one of the greatest joys of my life and how I will never be the same because of the love and friendship she showed me. The only thing I can do now is pray for everyone, be kind to them all and above all just be there and love them all the way she loved me. So as the holidays are fast approaching, please join me in praying for the families and friends of these two amazing women. Please pray that we all find strength, comfort and joy in the company of our remaining friends and family and that we can talk about and laugh about the times we shared with both of them as we all heal. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
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