Thanksgiving is a time when you count your blessings and you give thanks for all the greatness in your life. Today while thanking God and saying how happy I was I felt this wave of guilt and sorrow rush over me. I think about my friends who passed and all their families who will be struggling to get through this holiday season without them. This of course brought other feelings to the surface but I mostly felt guilt for being happy at a moment in time where the world seems so cruel and unfair. I mourn the loss of my friends daily. I try to check up on their families and offer words of encouragement or just try to be there for them in their time of need but I also try to give them their space. I know all too well that there isn't anything someone can say or do to make the hurt go away. All we can do is be there and try to get each other through it.
So, today as I was thanking God that I got to spend time with my step-daughters and got them home safely and I in return made it home safely I realized that my 16 yr old and 13 yr old would be traveling the busy roads tomorrow and stopped to say a prayer and ask for others to pray for them as well. I am so nervous and will not be semi-okay until I see them and can hold them. Then at the thought of having them here this week through the weekend filled my heart with such joy. I miss them so much when they are away and they have no idea how much they truly mean to me. A mothers love is something that you cannot explain. It is something that only other mothers can understand and once my children grow up and have children of their own they will never fully understand what it means to love another unconditionally forever no matter what they do.
At that precise moment I allowed myself to feel blissfully happy and then I wept. I wept for my friends, for loved ones I have lost, for my children, for the families and friends who have lost loved ones and for the world in general. My heart hurt and it felt like I was crying for the whole world and not just for my sorrows but the sorrows of everyone. I let it go and although I looked like a mad woman, it helped to let it all out. I have been holding a lot in. I have had a very stressful couple of years and this just seemed to push me over the edge in the weeping department. I have a huge heart. I tend to take on everyone's burdens and try to help make things better but I am so lost right now. How do I make this better? How can you ever making losing someone so young and full of life better? Is simply being there enough? I don't think I can make anything better but I can always try, right? There are no words, there are not actions that can bring them back no matter how hard I pray the world keeps turning and every day when I wake up I realize that my friends are gone.
The only comfort I take in any of it is that I know I will see them again someday. So it isn't really goodbye, it is a see ya later thing. That seems to help me a bit. I hope that it can help others too. In our darkest hours we should look at everything else in our lives and remember and be thankful for everything that we do have and not dwell on what we do not. That is so much easier said than done. It is what I am going to strive to do. I am going to try to pick up the pieces and carry on and continue to love those around me and be thankful for each and every second that I have with them. New and old friends, close and distant relatives, the sweet old man that waves to me each and every school day at the stop sign. I am sure I will have moments that hurt and that I feel sorry for myself and the world but no matter what life throws at me, I am gonna love everything and everyone through that pain until it all hurts less and then I am going to just love them all more because it is what my friends would have wanted me to do. They would want me to be happy. They would want all us to be happy and always remember the good times. Maybe just maybe, the good times won't hurt to remember one day and I can smile and feel happy without feeling sad or guilty... Until then I am gonna take the good with the bad and continue to make my friends proud. I love you Jade and Brandie.
Jade you were the best friend I could have ever asked for and the little sister I always dreamed of having. Between you and my sister-in-law I was very blessed to have known the love of a sister. Brandie you were such an amazing friend to my best friend and I loved you for that. I hate that you are both gone and wish you both were still here but I am glad that you two are together in heaven watching over all of us. I cannot wait to join the party one day, put in a good word for me okay? Until that day, please help all of us keep living the way I know you would want us to. I love you both and Happy Thanksgiving!
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