Happiness, Sorrow and Letting Go

   

     Thanksgiving is a time when you count your blessings and you give thanks for all the greatness in your life. Today while thanking God and saying how happy I was I felt this wave of guilt and sorrow rush over me. I think about my friends who passed and all their families who will be struggling to get through this holiday season without them. This of course brought other feelings to the surface but I mostly felt guilt for being happy at a moment in time where the world seems so cruel and unfair. I mourn the loss of my friends daily. I try to check up on their families and offer words of encouragement or just try to be there for them in their time of need but I also try to give them their space. I know all too well that there isn't anything someone can say or do to make the hurt go away. All we can do is be there and try to get each other through it.
     So, today as I was thanking God that I got to spend time with my step-daughters and got them home safely and I in return made it home safely I realized that my 16 yr old and 13 yr old would be traveling the busy roads tomorrow and stopped to say a prayer and ask for others to pray for them as well. I am so nervous and will not be semi-okay until I see them and can hold them. Then at the thought of having them here this week through the weekend filled my heart with such joy. I miss them so much when they are away and they have no idea how much they truly mean to me. A mothers love is something that you cannot explain. It is something that only other mothers can understand and once my children grow up and have children of their own they will never fully understand what it means to love another unconditionally forever no matter what they do.
    At that precise moment I allowed myself to feel blissfully happy and then I wept. I wept for my friends, for loved ones I have lost, for my children, for the families and friends who have lost loved ones and for the world in general. My heart hurt and it felt like I was crying for the whole world and not just for my sorrows but the sorrows of everyone. I let it go and although I looked like a mad woman, it helped to let it all out. I have been holding a lot in. I have had a very stressful couple of years and this just seemed to push me over the edge in the weeping department. I have a huge heart. I tend to take on everyone's burdens and try to help make things better but I am so lost right now. How do I make this better? How can you ever making losing someone so young and full of life better? Is simply being there enough? I don't think I can make anything better but I can always try, right? There are no words, there are not actions that can bring them back no matter how hard I pray the world keeps turning and every day when I wake up I realize that my friends are gone.
    The only comfort I take in any of it is that I know I will see them again someday. So it isn't really goodbye, it is a see ya later thing. That seems to help me a bit. I hope that it can help others too. In our darkest hours we should look at everything else in our lives and remember and be thankful for everything that we do have and not dwell on what we do not. That is so much easier said than done. It is what I am going to strive to do. I am going to try to pick up the pieces and carry on and continue to love those around me and be thankful for each and every second that I have with them. New and old friends, close and distant relatives, the sweet old man that waves to me each and every school day at the stop sign. I am sure I will have moments that hurt and that I feel sorry for myself and the world but no matter what life throws at me, I am gonna love everything and everyone through that pain until it all hurts less and then I am going to just love them all more because it is what my friends would have wanted me to do. They would want me to be happy. They would want all us to be happy and always remember the good times. Maybe just maybe, the good times won't hurt to remember one day and I can smile and feel happy without feeling sad or guilty... Until then I am gonna take the good with the bad and continue to make my friends proud. I love you Jade and Brandie.
     Jade you were the best friend I could have ever asked for and the little sister I always dreamed of having. Between you and my sister-in-law I was very blessed to have known the love of a sister. Brandie you were such an amazing friend to my best friend and I loved you for that. I hate that you are both gone and wish you both were still here but I am glad that you two are together in heaven watching over all of us. I cannot wait to join the party one day, put in a good word for me okay? Until that day, please help all of us keep living the way I know you would want us to. I love you both and Happy Thanksgiving!

When it rains it pours

We have been having a really hard time lately. In October I lost my best friend and another friend in an automobile accident. Then my husband got a speeding ticket, then a little girl who a friend of my daughter's and whom was only 11 years old who had cancer died. Now my grandmother is in the hospital. Everyone asks me how my faith stays so strong in the midst of all this tragedy. It isn't easy for most people to believe in something they cannot see, hear or touch. For me, it is just a part of who I am. If I lost my faith, I would be lost. I may sound like a nut most of the time to my children and to others but to me my relationship with God is the only thing that is getting me through this difficult time. Sure, I am angry with Him for taking these amazing people but I know they are in a much better place and it is a place that I strive to be myself one day. I know he has a plan for us, I do not understand nor do I like this plan of living here without my friends but none the less He has a plan.
    I was talking to someone on the phone the other day, to whom I had to tell them about the passing of our mutual friend and try to console him. I told him that the only good that has come from this is that I have met many wonderful people and although I met them under the sad circumstances, I am thankful I have met them. We are all helping one another work through our grief and helping them gives me a since of purpose when everything seems so dark. Helping them is helping me heal. It takes my mind of how much I am hurting and helps me stay busy. Staying busy is the key to forgetting, if only for a second the pain that I feel in my heart because there is a huge part of my heart that is missing. There is a place in my heart that only my best friend can fill and her being gone, well it feels like my heart has been ripped from my chest.
    I cannot even begin to fathom what her mother, daughter and family must be feeling. Her mother is living every mother's worst nightmare and my heart breaks for and for them. It has been a month since they passed away and yet every morning when I open my eyes to discover that it wasn't all a bad dream makes it feel like it happened just yesterday. I relive it every morning. I find myself checking my phone for calls or messages from her. I check facebook hoping to see a post from her and there is nothing. I have no words at that particular time. All I can do is cry. I know one day the tears will come less and less. I know one day it will be possible to talk about her and not cry. To think about her and the times we shared and smile and laugh and not shed a tear. For now, I cry. I cry when I don't realize I am crying. My body weeps for my friends and for their friends and family.
   There is a poem that I posted on her facebook wall that reads:

Missing you Always

You never said I'm leaving,

You never said goodbye.

You were gone before we knew it

and God only knows why. 

A million times I needed you,

a million times I cried. 

If love alone could have saved you,

then you would have never died.

In life I loved you dearly,

in death I love your still. 

In my heart I hold a place

that only you can fill. 

It broke my heart to lose you,

but you didn't go alone.

As a part of me went with you
when God took you home.

  

    That pretty much sums up how I feel. Now with all the extra stuff that keeps trying to knock me down I just have to be strong and get back up. My momma and I are leaving next month on a cruise together. We are celebrating that she is in remission after her long hard battle with leukemia. We are thanking God for her health and I am getting away fro a bit after a really long hard year. We will not have our phones and we are just going to unplug from the world and I think it will be nice to bond with my mom and take her to see places she has never seen. We are going to be thankful but I know that at every single turn I make, I am going think of Jade. Every time I do a lot of things I am going to think about her. Camping, playing the wii, fishing, floating the river, skydiving, etc. There are so many wonderful memories I shared with her. Certain places we went together will forever haunt me. Nothing has been the same or will ever be the same but I know she would want me to push forward and make new memories and enjoy my time here on this earth with everyone I love. 

    That and my faith gets me through the day. Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. I have to try to remain positive and just be thankful for everything and every moment I have because I know it could all be gone in the blink of an eye. This holiday season as I miss my friends, I will also cherish my friends, new and old and my family. I will hug everyone a little tighter, say I love you a little more, and try not to take a single moment for granted. This is something I will strive to do not only this holiday season but every day of my life. I am thankful the Lord brought Jade into my life, I am thankful for every single moment I had with her even if it was a brief moment I am grateful. My daughter asked me that if I had known how much everything would hurt and that we would lose her would I have changed my mind and not be friends with her. My response to her was, "I would not trade a single moment I spent with her." I wouldn't have either. However, I would have called more, I would have held her longer and tighter, I would have never taken a single moment for granted with her had I known that she would be taken from us. All this hurt I feel inside doesn't even compare to the love I feel and felt just from having her in my life. It is a feeling and friendship that I wouldn't trade for anything in this world.

    I am still asking for prayers for their families and friends. I ask that you all pray for strength and comfort during this time. There is also a memorial fund for Jade's daughter, if you can spare anything at all I know it would me the world to this little girl and her family. It would mean the world to me as well. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. Thank you for the kind words you have spoken to me and for being here for me during this time. It means more than you could possibly know. God bless you and your families.

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/xdb3/jade-daenzer-memorial-fund

Counting your blessings

    One thing that I know is that when you loose someone close to you it makes your start to look at your life and thinking about all the wonderful things in your life. You begin to count your blessings and you start seeing things in a whole new perspective. You think about all the things you may have taken for granted and you express how much everyone means to you just in case they didn't already know. For me, when I lost my best friend I thought about all the times we tried to get together and failed. I thought about all the calls I wanted to make and didn't because I got wrapped up in my own life and put the call off for another day. That day turned into weeks and even though we didn't talk every single day, when we talked we were able to pick up right where we left off as if no time had passed at all.
   I began to think about all the moments that she would not be here for and all the things that she would miss the most. I began to be thankful that I am here to experience the things she wouldn't and it made me feel guilty. It hurt. Life has changed so much over the last month and I realized that there are things that I want to change. I do not want to go a single day without my children knowing how much they mean to me. I do not want them to ever think that they are not a priority because they are. I want them to know how much knowing them and watching them grow has changed me and has fulfilled my life with such purpose and love. That being their mother/ step-mother has been one of the greatest joys of my life. That even though I do not see them or talk to them everyday, they mean the world to me and that I think about them every single day. They are growing up to be amazing young ladies, and they are at a moment in their life where their friends and their fun seems more important than talking to or seeing me.
   We have all been there. When I was younger I know I was the same way. Being a parent is hard. No one fully understands how hard it is until they are one and living through it. Everyone starts out a family because babies are cute and as they grow they are fun and give your life purpose and meaning. No one starts a faimly going whooo hooo I cannot wait until my child gets sick and cries all hours of the night and keeps me up for years to come. No one stops to think about how exhausted they will be, sometimes they are too tired to bathe and I do not know how many times I have fallen asleep in the tub. You do not stop to think about the back talking, the arguments, the constant battle to establish boundaries and the rules. Yet, when you get to that point and the children become teens and then adults you look back and you think about everything and you laugh. You cry, and you wish they were little again so you can do it all over again.
    I bump heads with my 16 year old all the time. She is very strong willed and she lives with her father and he and I do not get along at all. So, she gets away with quite a bit because my rules and his rules are totally different. I am sure many of you who are divorced can agree that the marriage usually ends badly and it is a constant battle to be civil to the other parent. I try my best. I do not like him one bit but a part of me will always be thankful and grateful for him because without him I would not have my babies. I was a young girl when I got pregnant with my oldest daughter Desiree. Although, it was not an ideal time to get pregnant and the whole world looked down on my decision to have her and keep her. I would not change a single thing. She and her sisters are the biggest blessing God has ever given me. So, yeah as much as I dislike their father I respect the fact that he is their father and I try to make the girls respect that as well. I wish he did the same thing but I have learned that you cannot change someone. You cannot control them. All I can do is be the best person I can be and pray that he can and will do the same.
    My older children tend to disrespect me because they have seen their "other" parents do it and they think it is okay. I try not to disrespect the "other" parents or say anything negative about them. I am not perfect, in my frustration I have slipped but I do apologize. I do not think parents should say negative things about the other parent because the child is 1/2 of them too. To children, if you say that their father or mother is bad then they tend to think that they are 1/2 bad. Some children associate your negative feelings towards their father or mother as you not liking them because they may have heard you say, you look or are so much like your momma/daddy and then they think that because you do not like their momma/daddy then you may not like them either. Children do not think the same way adults do. They are emotional and irrational most of the time. They are always seeking approval. I have learned the hard way that there are major consequences to bad mouthing another parent in front of the child. Sometimes you are not badmouthing them, you are simply speaking the truth but it is a truth that should be kept from the child. Unless the child is in danger from the other parent, then they should be allowed to come to their own conclusions about that person and not be forced to feel the way you do about them.
   Children are little people. They are going to grow up into adults and they will take what they learn from you into their adult lives and apply it to their children if they have any and the cycle just keeps on going. It is so hard sometimes to play nice with others who have put you down, disrespected you or mistreated you but sometimes it is necessary. I never knew how strong I could be until I had to deal with my ex, his wife and my husbands ex-wife. There is so much drama when you have split families and at times it makes you question if it is all worth it. For me the answer is yes every time. I love my husband. I truly believe that God made him just for me. It took us a long time to find one another but now that we have found one another, we are not going to let one another go. Drama or not, our marriage and friendship that we share is amazing. Learning to deal with the outside factors that are constantly trying to tear us apart only makes us stronger in the end. So, I am counting my blessings today. The wild woman I was after my divorce led me to my husband. Together he and I have grown and found God together. We have loved our children but we still struggle on some issues regarding how to handle them but we work through it.
   We have been there for one another when the whole world seemed to be trying to tear us apart. We have gone through health issues, deaths, injuries and so much more together. I know that as long as he and I are together, we can overcome anything. I am thankful God brought him into our lives. He is an amazing man. He gave up so much for this country when he was in Iraq. He came back forever changed and his health surfers daily because of the injuries he sustained over there. He is an amazing father and husband. He is wants to adopt our daughter Gillian as his own. She has asked him to do so and her biological father has said he can so that will be the next chapter in our lives. We are hoping to have another baby next year as well. Time will only tell how this all turns out. However, I have so much to be thankful for and in the midst of my grieving I am going to count my blessings because they give me strength. So, when life is hard and everything feels pointless and helpless, count your blessings. Your blessings in your life will give you strength. Some of you hate your jobs but be thankful you have one. So many do not and are struggling and would be grateful to have your job no matter what it is. If it pays your bills and puts food on the table be thankful.

Holidays and the heartache they bring

 So last night one of Jade's friends who lives out of state contacted me. It would seem that after texting and calling over the last few weeks he decided to get on Facebook to message her. Once there he was in shock by what he saw. He saw all of our goodbye messages to her and had to know what happened. He had no idea that she had passed and like so many of us was devastated by the news. I stayed on the phone with him for 2 hours talking to him about our memories of our dear friend. I felt so heartbroken for the guy because he had to learn about their passing on facebook and so late after the fact. It brought back all the feelings I had when I first learned the news. I literally felt like there was no air and all I could do was scream and cry. No one knew why I was hurting so much, it took me a while to compose myself to tell my family what had happened. My husband thought something had happened to one of our children but through all the sobbing he heard me say "Jade" and realized that something horrific had happened to the woman I considered my sister.
    He held me and choked back the tears. He made calls to my mother to tell her I needed her. Yes, at 33 years old I still need my momma. I am not ashamed of it. I told our daughter that her "Auntie Jade was in an accident and is now in Heaven." and proceeded to cry a bit with her and my husband and my mother. I then decided I needed to cook dinner even though my mom was there offering to do it for me, I just had to be the one to cook my daughter's favorite meal. So, my mom left me too it. I cried the entire time and even when I felt like I couldn't cry any longer the tears continued to fall. I woke up crying, my husband said I cried in my sleep too. I cried for days, I still cry at least once a day. I am not sad that she is in heaven, I am just sad that she isn't here with us anymore. I know that may sound odd but I just want more time. More time to tell her how awesome she was. More time to hug her, spend with her and enjoy life making wonderful memories together. I wanted to see her get married and have more children.
    To witness the proud smile she would have on her face when her daughter graduated high school. To hear her panic over Alyssa's first date and laugh at the speech she would give the guy that took her baby girl out for the first time. To see the tears of joy fall when Alyssa got married and had babies of her own. There are so many firsts that she will never be here for and I will never have the joy of witnessing. So much lost in the blink of an eye and the rest of us who are not in Heaven are left here on Earth in hell. I never thought I could be close to another woman before like this. I have always got along better with men because women are jealous and competitive most of the time and full of drama. There are few women that I trust. She was someone I trusted with my husband, my children and my life. You don't get too many of those in your life. At least I haven't.
    So, here I was listening to this guy cry on the phone and I just wanted to hug him and tell him it would be alright and make the hurt stop. He told me about how he had planned to come here after Christmas to see her and how she had planned on taking him skydiving for the first time. He then told me he planned on attending the Jump for Jade event and jump for the first time. Since he couldn't jump with her he was now going to jump in honor of her. When he mentioned the word Christmas, it got me to thinking about Thanksgiving and how all the holidays would never be the same and my heart started to break all over again for her family and for mine. I made a vow to my friend, I will always be there for her daughter and her family. I will love them as my own and will be there for whatever they may need. Her friends were my friends and her family was now my family too. I know that she would have done the same for me.
    My one wish or hope is that I can honor her in death as much if not more than I did in life. I hope she realized how much we loved her. How being her friend was one of the greatest joys of my life and how I will never be the same because of the love and friendship she showed me. The only thing I can do now is pray for everyone, be kind to them all and above all just be there and love them all the way she loved me. So as the holidays are fast approaching, please join me in praying for the families and friends of these two amazing women. Please pray that we all find strength, comfort and joy in the company of our remaining friends and family and that we can talk about and laugh about the times we shared with both of them as we all heal. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Hurt and Lost

     I lost my best friend Jade and another friend Brandie on 10/20/13 and I don't know why everyone says "You will get over this in time." It seems to me that no amount of time that has passed has helped me "get over" any of it. I do not think that I will ever "get over" it but I do think that I am getting through it. These two beautiful ladies were taken so suddenly and the shock and emptiness that we all feel has literally left us all here with broken hearts. We are all wondering why this happened and we all have our theories but none of them bring our friends back to us. For most of you life has returned to "normal" but for some of us, we are stuck in limbo and we are just trying to find the strength each day to pretend that things are normal. Some of us cry behind locked doors, get angry, sleep less or sleep more than usual, and have trouble with every day things like making phone calls or just talking to people in general.
   I know I still pick up my phone to call my best friend or to text her because for a brief moment I forget that she is gone. Then I wonder why she isn't answering her phone and it hits me all over again. For me, she was a part of my "normal" routine. Calling, texting, and facebooking her is something I did on a regular basis and the fact that she isn't here to answer back hurts more than I ever thought possible. I am a HUGE believer in God, but right now I am angry with God. I just do not understand why he took both my friends at such a young age who both left behind daughters who need them and so many of us are left here hurting. Going to places that I went with them, like Randy's Ice House is hard. Every time the door opens I look up and expect to see their smiling faces walk through the door.
    I know the day I got the call, I was angry that it was such a beautiful day outside. It just didn't seem right and fair that the whole world didn't just stop right then and there. The fact that birds were singing and the sun was shining was sickening to me. You know when you loose someone you love you half expect it to be like it is in the movies, dark and then it rains for days. You expect heaven just to open up and all the angels to cry but on this day it was sunny and the birds were singing and I was the one crying as well as everyone else who loved them and were so shaken with the news that is was just too much to bear. There were no clouds in the sky, it was blue and it was sunny but there was a slight chill and it too seemed out of place. Nothing was right, nothing was the same and nothing would ever be the same as it was before ever again.
    I felt like I was in a horrible nightmare and the sky was mocking me. It was mocking all of us who were mourning the loss of these two beautiful women who were taken so suddenly from all of us. I have been a sea of emotions ever since. I have not even begun to "get over" it. I know I never will. All I can do is be there for the others who are lost and hurting  and who miss them. All I can do is plan events and try to do anything that will help take my mind off of the fact that they are gone. I try to stay as busy as possible, but it is moments like right now, when my husband is at work and my daughter is at school and the whole world is busy that I am here alone and it hits me like a ton of bricks. I know there are 10,000 things that I could be and should be doing right now, but at this particular moment in time all I can do is write. I have to get my feelings out sometimes because trying to be strong for everyone else is exhausting and my feelings keep pouring out no matter how much I want to keep them inside.
   Sure, I have lost people before, but I have not lost many that I was really close to. Maybe I am not as strong as I would like to think that I am or maybe being able to admit that I am lost and a mess makes me even stronger because I am not pretending to be okay and pretending like I have it all together. To be honest, there are days I do not have a clue as to what is going on around me. I focus on my daughters, my husband and a few others that need me or that I need and I am in this little bubble that seems to help get me through. The days that are the hardest are when the world bursts my little bubble and all this information and emotion seems to attack me from all angles. I know one day it may hurt less and one day I may be able to make it through a whole day without crying but for now, the tears keep falling and the hurt seems to get stronger. We all need answers, and unfortunately we may never get them. We may all just have to accept that they are gone and learn to live with the emptiness we feel  because that place we have in our hearts for them is now void. Sure, we remember them, we remember the times we shared with them, we remember their laugh and their voice and the certain things that they did that made them unique. However, that place we have in our hearts yearns for more, it aches at the fact that we will never make a new memory with them. We will never hear their voice, or hold them or see their smiling faces again. I will never see my friend fall in love and get married, something she wanted so much and will never experience.
    I will never have another silly crazy moment where we laugh so hard we cry with either one of them again. Sure the memories I have will always be forever etched in my heart and mind, but they hurt because I am greedy... I want more. I want more time with them and I know I am not the only one who feels this way. I just may be the only one writing it down at this particular moment. I have been told that writing helps, so I am going to try this whole blogging thing. Maybe I can help others heal as I heal. Who knows. If I offend anyone, I apologize profusely, it is not my intentions to upset anyone. I am just trying to make it though the day and try to understand why these things happen to amazing people. I know that my life will never be the same without my friends here. I know that I must go on and live my life because that is what they would have wanted, but I am angry that I have to do it without them. Loss is never easy, it always hurts whether is it is expected or unexpected. Losing someone so close to you just sucks. There is no other way to put that, it just sucks. It hurts and it changes you.
    So, I am going to write about what I am going through and how I am getting through this to see if this helps me at all. There really isn't anything anyone can say to make it better. I know people try but it doesn't help. I appreciate the efforts and I am thankful that they care. I am very thankful for my husband holding me when I cry but I am also thankful he gives me the space I need to grieve. I do not know how long the healing process takes and I am not sure that I will ever be "healed" but I know I am trying. That is all I can do.

Martinique Jade Daenzer

The eulogy I wrote for Jade and spoke at her funeral...

                Jade was my best friend. To me and to so many of you she was this fun, witty, adventurous, kind, loving, charming woman an awesome mother and friend. She was everything to everyone who knew her and you could not help but to fall in love with her. She had this thousand watt smile that could light up any room and make the day so much brighter. I am really going to miss that smile.
                I met Jade four years ago and we became instant friends. Over time she became more like family to my family and I. Although we lived far apart we always took the time to spend time with one another as often as possible. One thing I learned almost instantly after meeting her was that family and friends meant everything to her. She loved no one more in this world than her precious daughter Alyssa. Alyssa was her whole world. The bond and love they shared simply cannot be put into words. 
                Over time she and I shared many wonderful memories together. In the four short years that I had her in my life, we never had an argument. I do not have one single bad memory of her.  She was always so easy going and down to earth. No matter what we did, we always had a great time. From wii parties, fishing trips, camp outs and skydiving, we always had a blast just being around one another. My husband Joel, her boyfriend and I had the privilege of celebrating her birthday with her on the Guadalupe River this year. When she filled out the paperwork for her tube in the spot for her age she wrote out two words, twenty ten. That is what she liked to call it, twenty ten.
                My best memory of us is one I will carry for the rest of my life. One day in August two years ago she called me up going on and on about this hot air balloon she kept seeing on her way to work. She wanted so much to ride in it, until she found out how much it cost. She said, “We can go skydiving for less than that!” I had always wanted to go skydiving and so I responded with, “Okay, let's do it!” So to celebrate her birthday I booked it. We both went on and on about how excited we were over the two weeks before the jump. Then the big day came. We met up in Lexington and there she was with that 1000 watt smile on her face. We filled out the paperwork, weighed in, got strapped in and then I noticed Jade looked really nervous. The plane was really small so, we decided to let my husband jump first so she and I could jump together. After he landed the wind kicked up and we had to wait for a while to let it calm down. We were afraid we were not going to be able to jump.
Finally around 4:30 or 5:00 they gave us the go ahead and I noticed this total look of panic come across her face. I asked her what was wrong and she said, “I never told you this but I am terrified of heights!” To which I responded with, “Then why on Earth would you want to go skydiving?!” She said, “I didn’t! I was just joking and you took me seriously and booked it, so now I have to go.” I couldn’t stop laughing. We both laughed until we cried and we talked the whole way up. At around 5000 feet Jade said, “Okay, I’m ready. You can let me out now” The guys in the plane started laughing and said, “We are only ½ way up.”  Again we laughed but you could see the panic coming back on her face. Once we reached 10,000 feet they opened the door and that was it, she jumped. I was so proud of her. I followed a few minutes later. It was amazing! We jumped at the most perfect time because the sun was starting to set and it was just beautiful. Even though I jumped after her I landed first because I got stuck with the adrenaline junkie who liked to do all these crazy flips and spins all the way down.
                Once on the ground I waited anxiously for Jade to come down. I was so scared she was terrified up there, that she hated it and worse, she would hate me for making her do it. Once on the ground and she was unhooked from her parachute she ran to me with her arms wide open  and hugged me so tightly and screamed, “BEST DAY EVER!!! LET”S DO IT AGAIN!!”  As we walked away I hugged her once more and my husband snapped a photo of me clinging to her and her beaming that smile of hers from ear to ear. She continued to go skydiving a few more times and made sure she had the guy I jumped with because she wanted to experience the thrill of the flips and spins. That is who she was. She was this amazing person who looked straight ahead and didn’t let anything or anyone keep her down. This is how I choose to remember her, fearless and strong. She conquered her fears and she really truly lived her life to the fullest. She loved deeply, she laughed loudly, she worked hard and she really really lived. She was a great mother, sister, daughter, and friend. She was just amazing and that is how she should be remembered, as simply amazing.
                Jade, I love you, I miss you and I am so honored to have had the time I had with you. We all mourn your passing but today we celebrate your life and all the love and joy you brought into ours. I know we all are asking ourselves why you had to go. To quote country singer, Jo Dee Messina, "I guess heaven was needing a hero", and Jade, that hero is you. I am not going to say goodbye today because you will live on in all of our hearts, thoughts and memories. We will meet again one day in heaven. Until then I know you are flying high with the angels and that you are watching over us all. God be with you.